From the Vault - Keller Family Christmas (My First Story)

Note - I wrote this Christmas Eve of my senior year of high school. It's not my best work, but everything I mention in the story had happened at one of our Christmases in years past. Since it's Christmas time and I'm bringing back KellerThrows, I figure this is a good jumping off point.

Christmas is supposed to be the happiest holiday every year. Well, it seems like each and every year my family finds some way to make this not the case. The fifteen or so years that I can remember Christmas have blended together over the years so I can’t remember specific instances, but they tend to follow the same storyline….

Christmas Morning:

7:00 am – Andy awakes, clad in pajama pants and old t-shirt. He is excited for Christmas to begin because he really, really wants to find out what presents he got for Christmas this year.

7:01 am – Disappointment overcomes Andy when he realizes for the fifth year in a row, he knows what presents he is getting because he was the one to order them online two weeks before. Andy looks around to see that Johnny has been up since 5:00 am because he went to bed at 8:30 on Christmas Eve. Ashley is awake too, but is downstairs opening the corners of her presents to see what they are.

7:05 am – Andy sees that the cookies that were set out the night before have been eaten. Granted, none of the Keller children still believe in Santa, but Bill “still wants some goddamn cookies.” He tells us not to bother with the milk, because “Santa doesn’t like warm milk, and neither does Bill Keller.”

7:15 am – Becky is nowhere to be seen. This doesn’t bode well for the rest of the Keller family. Just like every year, Becky has waited until 3:00 am to begin wrapping presents. Andy knows this combination of no sleep and holiday stress will lead to hostility later on in the day. The door to his parents room is shut, where Becky and the dog have locked themselves in for the long haul.

7:30 am – The greedy children cannot wait any longer. Ashley’s annoyed cries of “when are we going to open the presents?” and Johnny’s shouts of “Mom, let’s get going with the goddamn presents!” set off the eruption Stress Mountain, located in Becky Keller National Park. Tears and slamming sounds are intermittently strewn in between the annual “WE AREN'T GOING TO HAVE A F*CKING CHRISTMAS” and “I HATE THIS FAMILY!” Father of the year Bill Keller aids the situation with a “Well, how about you just hurry up.”

8:00 am – Katy has arrived, and she has managed to calm Becky down just a little bit. Katy also helps with the presents, which she announces will be done in “10-15 minutes.”

9:28 am – Still no word on the rest of the presents, or what really is going on in the wrapping room

9:41 am – One hour and twenty-six minutes after the presents were supposed to be downstairs, the last presents have been put under the tree. Looks of excitement from the children are quickly killed by Becky’s announcement that “not a single goddamn present will be opened until you guys have all showered!” Andy knew this was coming, and had showered at 8:30 am. Johnny and Ashley head upstairs to get their showers.

10:15 am – Ashley and Johnny both have their first presents firmly lodged in their hands. Bill announces “nobody’s opening any presents until I get some goddamn cinnamon rolls!” The Keller family looks at Bill with a glare, then proceeds to open their first presents. Bill then threatens to “knock down the f*cking tree if we don’t eat some cinnamon rolls.”

10:37 am – Bill finishes his “goddamn cinnamon rolls” and it is time to open up the rest of the presents. Ashley’s eyes dart to the biggest box, and she immediately opens it up. Put it this way: her eyes show that a pillow for her bedroom was NOT the gift she was anticipating being in the big box. Johnny has opened up 7 of his action figures and has taken a break from opening presents to roleplay with his Marvel brigade.

10:44 am – Bill has called a halt to the present opening to grab the infamous Yellow Trash Bag. This makes its appearance every year around this time, when Bill makes everyone throw away all the wrapping paper before anybody can open more presents.

10:55 am – Becky has started to cry when she sees one of the bows for a present in the Yellow Trash Bag. “YOU GUYS DON’T APPRECIATE ANYTHING I DO! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH THOSE GODDAMN BOWS COST?! I GOT A TUBE SOCK FOR CHRISTMAS WHEN I WAS YOUNG! NOT A PAIR OF SOCKS! ONE F*CKING SOCK! MY FEET WERE WARM EVERY OTHER YEAR GODDAMNIT! AND I NEVER ONCE COMPLAINED!”

11:08 am – The spiel has finally subsided. Bill has opened all four of his presents – one from Becky, Johnny, Ashley, and Katy. Andy wrote his name on whichever present to Bill he saw first. Bill has become restless and is now making comments on everyone else’s presents. Andy decides to fuel the fire by asking Bill what he got Andy for Christmas. Bill’s response: “Son (he always says son…I’m not sure if he even knows my first name), I paid for all of this. I worked hard all year to pay for this.” Andy reminds him that Becky is the president of the company and that most of Bill’s days are spent walking around the house in his underwear. The pout is beginning to form on Bill’s face.

11:13 am – It is becoming evident as to why it took so long for the presents to be wrapped. “Mom what the hell!?” are the words resonating from Johnny’s mouth. Turns out Becky got a real kick out of the “To:/From:” part of the presents. Instead of the presents being from “Mom and Dad” or even “Santa”, Becky has decided to unveil her inner comedienne. “To: Johnny/From: Donna J.” and “To: Johnny/Love: Amy Roll” has made Johnny beyond furious. Becky turns her head, and Johnny, seeing a window of opportunity, throws an unopened present at her head. The corner of the box hits her, and in typical Keller fashion, yelling ensues.

11:29 am – Everything is following according to Keller Christmas plan. After Andy informs Bill that his Battleship mug appears to be on fire when coffee is put in it really ISN’T cool, he starts bumbling with an insult that can be best classified as “unintelligent.” After telling Bill that he really needs to put the hood on his hooded sweatshirt down while he’s inside, and for that matter when he’s outside, in the car, and everywhere else too, Bill loses it. He uses his patented hissy fit trademark of “F*CK IT” and goes up the stairs, slamming his feet on every stair like a 4 year old. Christmas is complete.

11:30 am – So here is the conclusion to the annual Christmas at the Keller’s: Becky has cried on multiple occasions, Johnny has freaked out, Ashley has been disappointed as usual because she didn’t receive a gift over $2000, and Bill has stormed upstairs to shut himself in his room to pout, most likely with his sweatshirt hood up.

Christmas 2005 took it to a whole new level. There is white trash, and then there is our family. Because of poor timing, and a general lack of preparation on our part we have reached a new low. While I can’t recall a single time that our family put lights outside, this year we didn’t have a Christmas tree. Becky’s wandering mind came up with the brilliant idea to make a tree out of presents, complete with garland. My mind immediately became excited at the prospects this new “tree” presented, even playing a scenario in my head where Johnny and Ashley battle over whose present gets to be the top of the tree, leading to Bill promising to solve the situation by “knocking that f*cker right down!” followed by everyone staring at Bill, then Bill going up to his room to pout. Alas, this situation never came to be, but that’s the beauty of Christmas at my household – Bill is always going to wear his hood up indoors and say the F word, Johnny is always going to talk too fast and do something inappropriate, Ashley is always going to ask for $5,000 worth of stuff and bitch when she only gets half, and Becky is always going to cry because she’s generally unprepared. If something doesn’t happen one year, you just wait for the next.

End note - When I wrote this, more than a few people thought I was upset about the way my Christmases ended up. This was not the case. I wrote the story as a way of showing the humor I saw in my Christmases, not the shame. Trust me - I would much rather have a Christmas like the one I described than one with hot chocolate, Jesus hymns, and a ham for the whole family (too salty). We'll see how this year's Christmas goes - if anything good happens, I'll be sure to write it.